How Desperately Would You Fight?

Heeding the signs warning me that I might pass out in the shower, I sit down in my bathtub and let the hot water fill to the brim. I rest my back on the cold porcelain and close my eyes. Deep breaths.

On the other side of the shower curtain I hear my children laughing with their adoring daddy.
My beautiful, perfect daughters. One so mild, the other so wild. They are my universe.
Their gleeful giggles are the purest notes of music to my ears and my soul sings: I am alive.

Tears of gratitude fall down my cheeks; I allow them to fall freely.
What if this shower curtain was like that veil that prevented them from seeing my face, feeling my arms around them, squealing in delight from Mama's tickles?
What if I could see them and hear them, but they could no longer hear or see me?

I thank my Father in Heaven for allowing me to stay.
With everything I have in me, I would fight to remain here with the three of them. And to be able to stay and bring more of these precious souls to our family.
To grow, to struggle, to ache, to love, to learn, to cry, to hurt, to stretch, to laugh, to dance, to play, to sing, to live. To be in the present day in and day out. And to choose to have joy every day.

I would fight. My purpose is here and now.

How desperately would you fight?

Life is Precious

Grateful to be alive today. The bleeding. Way too much bleeding and my nurse thought I might be hemorrhaging. Riverton ER. Freaking I hate the ER and avoid it at all costs. Waiting. Bleeding. Waiting. How am I still alive when this much is coming out of me?
More waiting.
Pelvic exam. PAIN.
I close my eyes and imagine having another baby with my best friend. I will walk through this valley of the shadow of death if I must.
Too much blood and clotting for the pelvic exam to provide any answers.
Nausea, more pain. Blacking out. Why do they only check on me once every hour when I'm losing not only blood, but what feels like my insides?
Alarm sounding for Dr. Elliott and help for revival in Room 9. That's my room, isn't it? The room is spinning and all I feel is fading away. Like a dream.
I'm worried about Jon. And I'm remembering a Priesthood blessing a few weeks ago saying that our physicians and doctors would know how to take care of me. I think of my daughters. I feel in and out of consciousness. The voices around me are urgent and there goes another IV in my left arm. They want me to live. I'm grateful.
Cold. So cold. But coming back. Jon has tears. They were preparing for cardiac arrest?? My face was as white as the bed sheets? Surreal.
So terribly cold!! The fluid now running through my veins is like ice!
What just happened?? Cue the shock. And now I'm shaking so bad you'd for sure think I'm having a seizure.
Three warm blankets directly on my skin.
Tears of relief. My best friend sure loves me. He was petrified.
Hours pass. They seem to check on me more frequently now.
I'm not nauseated so I'm happy.
But so much blood still. How can I be alive and bleed this much? Not just blood...much more than blood. So scary!
6:30 PM. An OBGYN enters the room with her nurse. They say let's get you home. 😭
Where were they six hours ago? I love them.
Morphine. I love them even more.
The nurse strokes my hand and leg and she is so soothing.
Modified D&C right then and there in the ER room. Painful but a breeze compared to the pelvic exam. Suddenly the cramping and gushing and flowing of what I thought were my insides is finished.
It is finished.
Life is precious.
And we were so naive! Naive thinking I could just take medicine for the miscarriage to pass through and it would be that simple. Naive in not knowing what the recovery of a miscarriage would look like. Reminder that I am not Wonder Woman. Reminder that God is in charge.
Grateful to be home and snuggle my girls tonight.

                                                       

Carthage Jail Visit 2017

It burns within me, my testimony of the man.
I have walked where he walked
I have seen the window where he fell
I have felt the assurance in my heart that he was a man of truth and goodness.

I feel it now, the truth that brings me to tears
The sorrow that fills my heart thinking of that fateful day in 1844
And I am more grateful than ever that he restored the truthfulness of the gospel.
That because of him, I have the knowledge that I have
The covenants that bind me to my Savior, my Heavenly Father, my husband and family.
He sealed his testimony with the blood of his martyrdom.

Truly, Joseph Smith did more, save Jesus Christ only, for the salvation of our souls
Than did any other man on the earth.

Praise to the man.
Praise to the truth.

I cherish this testimony I have of the prophet Joseph.

A Testimony from my Father

I love my Dad. I have been a Daddy's Girl for as long as I can remember, and I have always admired his faith and commitment to the gospel. My parents have been asked by our bishop to prepare our young men and young women for trek this year. Tonight he went all out, dressed up like Brother Brigham, and shared his testimony of the pioneers who sacrificed everything to journey to Zion. I was so touched by what he shared with our youth tonight. The spirit of God, like a fire, was burning as he shared his testimony. I feel like what he said really reached the hearts of so many in the room, and our young men and women needed to hear and feel it all. So I asked him to send me his thoughts so I could have a record of his eloquent words forever. 

Willie & Martin Handcart Companies    

When I heard the reports of those good brothers and sisters in the handcart companies and their 
incomprehensible, arduous pain, suffering, and deprivations with freezing cold and starvation, I buckled to my knees in heart wrenching supplication.  Why? Why I pled, did they need to suffer so? They are good faithful saints who had implicit trust that a loving God Omnipotent would provide for them; an all-powerful God who with the breath of his nostrils could blow a warm breeze that would make even the nights “comfy;” a God who could provide for their nourishment as He did for the children of Israel with manna from heaven. He should have at the least caused an “Indian Summer” and delayed the raging, ravishing winter. But no, winter was unleashed early in all its fury. Why? Why, I cry. Then comes the solace of the Holy Ghost and I feel joy and praise God for their salvation! They have proven worthy and paid the price to be encircled in the robes of righteousness and embraced in the loving arms of a dear, omniscient Father. Glory be to the Father! In his infinite wisdom we have the eternal example from these faithful saints of what it means to be obedient and to 
sacrifice. God’s ways are not our ways, our ways are not God’s, His purposes will be fulfilled and we will come to understand that to accept God’s will is what is eternally best for all.  As we search the journals of individuals and the miracles that occurred in their personal lives, we will see that God did not abandon His loyal saints. He sent ministering angels to protect, provide, and comfort them in their dire straits.

I sincerely hope that by the end of this summer each of you will not only have a better understanding of obedience and sacrifice, but that you will have a greater desire and ability to live these two basic laws. And that you will have it stamped into your heart that to obey is better than to repent and that sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven.

So let’s have a brief overview of the handcart companies.  By 1856 many humble people in the British Isles and Scandinavia had been converted to the Gospel, which had been restored by Jesus Christ through the prophet Joseph Smith in the year 1830.  These faithful saints recognized and felt the truth that the fullness of the gospel had been restored and that Zion must be established and the Kingdom of God built and strengthened so that the Kingdom of God can be united with the Kingdom of Heaven so that Christ can return and personally reign on the earth. Immigration from Europe to the valley of the Great Salt Lake was very costly and these faithful brothers and sisters cheerfully sold all that they had to pay for ocean passage to America and then to travel on river boat to meet with other saints for the manual trek across this continent.  Many of these poor saints by the time they arrived to begin the trek were practically destitute and could not afford the price of a wagon and oxen to cross the plain.  So Brigham Young was inspired to have them build handcarts, which they could pull and 
push, loaded with their meager belongings. The first three handcart companies departed winter quarters the end of July and successfully arrived in the Salt Lake Valley the end of September and the first of October; showing that this manner of transporting can succeed. The fourth and fifth companies (Martin and Willie, respectively) didn’t depart winter quarters until August 17 and 27. This late departure and the subsequent consequences will be the focus of our attention.  The next five handcart companies that left winter quarters by late June or early August between 1857 and 1860 were all successful with limited casualties. This made a total of ten handcart companies that made the manual trek. After 1860 wagon trains were dispatched in the early spring from Salt Lake to pick up the immigrants and return in the late summer or early fall.  The transcontinental railroad was being built and the journey was greatly facilitated thereafter. From the ten companies there were a total of about three thousand faithful saints who made the arduous journey with handcarts.

So let’s turn our attention to the Willie and Martin companies in August 1856.  The day is warm and it is hard to imagine what the weather would be like when the season changes and the cold snow blows. The saints have sacrificed greatly to cross the ocean and get this far in moving toward Zion.
They are faithful; they are committed to the cause and thy want to obey the revelations to prepare the way for the fulfillment of the great and marvelous work that God has begun with his prophet.  There have already been enough delays and we know that God will prepare a way for us to accomplish his commands.

Levi Savage used his common sense and knowledge of the country and declared positively that to his certain knowledge they could not cross the mountains with a mixed company of aged people, women, and little children, so late in the season without much suffering, sickness and death.  He therefore advised waiting in winter quarters until next spring.  He was rebuked by the other elders for want of faith and finally declared: “Brethren and sisters, what I have said I know to be true; but seeing you are to go forward, I will go with you, will help you all I can, will work with you, will rest with you, will suffer with you, and, if necessary, I will die with you.  May God in His mercy bless and preserve us.”  So it begs the question why would they depart without delay so late in the year?  Why would Brother Savage humbly submit himself to such a precarious adventure?  The answer will never be found in secular history books. Worldly authors refuse to recognize the hand of God and that he directs the outcome of this world.  From their sterile sanitized perspective, mistakes were made and the leadership is responsible for poor judgment.  What historians fail to recognize is that these saints had received an absolute witness from the Spirit that they were engaged in the work of the Lord and that as God lives this is His Church. They will be obedient and observe to the best of their ability their role in bringing about God’s will even if it means sacrificing everything.  And as stated earlier, the Lord was with them as reported in many journals, in spite of the extreme hardships encountered. Because they sacrificed so much, you are the beneficiaries and can witness that the Kingdom of God has grown, become strong and is nearly ready to usher in the great and dreadful day of the Lord of which should be your joy to participate.

The purposes of God were accomplished.  The faithful were blessed, tested, and proven worthy to enter into His presence.  And we have a live example to teach obedience and sacrifice.  As you are required to do things that for you might be difficult, remember the example of your heritage and do the difficult to receive the blessings of heaven. 

Rex Mecham

Having been born of goodly parents...

Violet's Baby Blessing

Violet Aurora Ditto

Yesterday you received a name and a blessing among the records of the church from your father.

You were blessed with

a remarkable, strong spirit

a desire to come to the world and to be a light to those around you

the ability to discern between right and wrong, and to be attracted to the light

the ability to see through the temptations and trials of the world

the ability to lift those around you to higher and nobler things

courage, and to be a leader

leadership ability to be mindful of those not blessed with such courage

the ability to develop a deep and abiding testimony of the Jesus Christ at a young age

staying strong and finding a young man who will be prepared to take you to the temple; he will be your equal and your companion

the ability to be a strength to those around you

and to be happy and optimistic throughout your life.

                                   

We love the Mecham's and the Ditto's!

You are exactly two months old today, little Cuddle Bug. 

You are such a snuggly, squishy baby. Everyone comments on your delectable cheeks!

We have lovingly nicknamed you our "little werewolf" because you tend to cry every night around 10:30 for anywhere from two to four hours. It's been rough but we're finding ways to get through it!

I honestly think you came to this world to be heard and to make a difference. You truly are a "remarkably strong spirit" and we can feel it. After all, you did prompt me that you were anxious to come to earth even before I was pregnant with you. And now that you are giving me your toothless smiles every day, each night of terrible sleep is so worth it! 

You love hearing your sister talk away, and my oh my does she adore you more than I could ever have dreamed. She calls you "Lady Bydeet" and often squeals in delight when she sees you with an enthusiastic "Hello!!" followed by an excited 'freak out' moment because she wants so desperately to hold you and squeeze you.

You love to sleep on your tummy and snuggle up to Mommy. 

You caught a little baby cold over the holidays, poor thing. With all three of your immediate family members sick, you didn't have much chance of avoiding it. 

I am so excited to see the girl and woman you blossom into; I loved hearing that beautiful Father's blessing Jon gave you yesterday! 

We love you so very much, Lady Violet Aurora. Thank you for being a part of our forever family.

Love, Mom

Anchored Always - Girl's Camp 2015

There are few things sweeter than serving as an instrument in the hands of the Lord. I am a mere instrument so that maybe a small miracle can take place in the life of someone I serve. These young women are His little lambs, and it is humbling and wonderful to see the spirit of God touch their hearts. As the assistant camp director, girls camp was more work and took even more preparation than I anticipated, but I had so much help from our camp director, all the other leaders, our youth leaders, and my Heavenly Father. I feel so grateful and I couldn't have asked for camp to go any better! Of course there was a bit of drama here and there, but not much overall. I saw these girls wrap their arms around each other and around certain people who needed it the most, I saw the light of Christ enter so many eyes, and the icing on the cake was hearing all twelve of these sweet girls share their testimonies the last night of camp. I love the young women program with my whole heart. I truly hope I can always be involved in this program and have a calling here the rest of my life. These girls energize me, make me feel like my true self (I'll always be a teen at heart:), and give me ample opportunities to share my testimony. They strengthen me. 

 I'm guilty of the human pyramid but I was shocked most of my girls had never actually done one before! Besides, I went to all that work to have all the parents sign the permission slips, I had to make it worthwhile...;)

 Ta Dah!!!

Trust Fall

Accompanied with the story of Peter walking on the water found in Matthew 14:24-31

And a discussion on what it means to be anchored always in Christ. 

All but one girl were brave enough to do the trust fall.

Skit Night!

We were so well-fed up there, it didn't even feel like we were camping! Thank you to our chefs!

 Captains of the ship all matchy matchy on our hike.

I'm so proud we were able to get the girls to hike 4.5 miles.

22 weeks preggers and feelin good!

Photo bombed by the smoke.

Karlee Boo is my neighbor across the street. I got to work closely with her as her Activity Days Leader when I first moved in and now as her Beehive Advisor.

Bonnie is a true mountain woman!

I love and respect each of these women so much. Also my cute maternity shirt was a secret sister gift from Lynette!

Service project picking up trash along the reservoir.

For our final day of camp certification the girls had to rescue our camp director with different skills they learned. So cute.

There were many activities and things I didn't capture on camera, but camp was a huge success. I'm so grateful for my family members who helped with Amberly at home so I could feel at ease while I was mothering these twelve girls in the mountains. :)

Returning to that Burdened Road

I just called and scheduled a new consult with my wonderful infertility doctor, Dr. Russell Foulk.

I called two days ago to see how far the clinic is booked out and as I suspected, I cannot get an appointment until March. Rather unexpectedly, a weight of sadness loomed over my shoulders all day yesterday. I suppose I have taken the first step towards that dark tunnel again, albeit this time there is a glimmer of light within. We know what worked last time, we received answers at our very first appointment, we know we can get pregnant. 

So why should I feel such a heavy weight of sorrow this time around? Especially when my arms are not empty and waiting this time. Just look at this sweet little miracle.

Infertility is a tricky thing, an emotional ride to say the least. I think stepping back into the lengthy process with its upcoming invasive tests and procedures returned my psyche and my emotions to a place that I was happy to forget. Furthermore, the sadness enters when I realize Jon cannot be with me to the majority of my appointments this time around due to his long commute for work and the nature of being a lawyer. We're real big kids now. He can't just leave the judges for a midday doctor's appointment with his wife. A little voice tells me that if I want to fight for baby number 2, I'll have to go most of it alone. Just me and Dr. Foulk and his staff to create another miracle. Oh and God, of course.

I feel another little one beyond the veil, anxious to join our family. Perhaps she is spending extra time with her Uncle Seth. Yes, I said she.

I have been reading this book, The Gift of Giving Life, lately and it awakens my soul and brings me great comfort in trusting in my Heavenly Father's timing. I LOVE this book. It touches on all aspects of pregnancy and birth, including sections written for all our sisters who for one reason or another, are told to wait.

Read this portion of the chapter entitled "And God Remembered Rachel" from Genesis 30:22 (yes I do take that biblical verse close to heart:)

The prominent women of the book of Genesis are as follows:

Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel. Of these prominent women in the book of Genesis, only Eve does not suffer from infertility. Genesis is chock full of God's chosen women suffering from want of children. In each case, she is a woman whom God directed a prophet to find and marry. She is a woman who was promised that her seed would bear rulers and kings. She is a woman who was loved by God.

God cherishes each of his daughters, including those who struggle to get pregnant or cannot bear their own children during mortality. This is what I must remind myself of as I step back on this roller coaster of a ride. This burdened road is not fun; but whenever the sorrow attempts to creep in, I'll look at my beloved daughter and say a prayer of gratitude rather than allow that heavy weight to linger. I will reflect on what a blessing it is that Jon has a job with sufficient health insurance benefits to allow us to move forward with treatments. I will contemplate the current technology we have to help couples who cannot get pregnant on their own. I will fight again and I will move forward. 

And I will play and giggle with my Amberly Faith, until God's perfect timing unfolds and proves His miracle. 

Pick Me Up Monday

General Conference was wonderful. There were a few particular topics I was looking for that were poignantly addressed. What a blessing to be led by Christ's prophets and apostles today! I love this church.

Also, I cannot stop listening to this song, Glorious, by David Archuleta.
If you need a little pick me up, or even if you don't, listen to it! I have it on repeat. I love the lyrics, the melody, the piano, the message, everything. It's for the new film that is about to come out called "Meet the Mormons."

Click here for a recap of General Conference October 2014

Thoughts Regarding Motherhood and Feminism

An angel just fell asleep in my arms.
And so I felt inspired to share a few thoughts.

I used to worry about being a mother.
When I nannied a few years back, I was particularly concerned. My job as a nanny gave me anxiety, rarely fulfillment. I wondered if I could survive each day staying at home with my own children. I look back at those thoughts and just chuckle to myself now.

The experience is completely different when the child is your own, belongs to you, of your own making. Amberly is such a part of me, I truly cannot imagine not spending this many hours of my days, weeks, and life with her.

Time is so fleeting as it is.
This nearly one year old baby has already changed so drastically. The thought of me working during the week, rather than nurturing her every day and being there for each milestone moment, seems impossible to me.

Perspective.

It is so crystal clear, so deeply obvious that I am exactly where I need to be each day as Jon leaves for work and I get Amberly from her crib to nurse her and cuddle her. I find it very interesting that the world tried to convince me otherwise, and that I was so worried at one point about being a stay-at-home mom.

Every day, I find fulfillment. No, not in doing laundry or dishes or dirty diapers or all the mundane things. But knowing I am here with my daughter, doing the best I can to mother her. I am not perfect, but I am learning. And I am so full of gratitude that this is my role, to keep things running on the home front, so that Jon and I can have a Christ-centered home and a stable family to build together.

I know many mothers may not have the financial stability to be able to stay at home with their children. But Jon and I are so grateful that I can. And neither of us find my role demeaning in any way. I am not apologetic when asked what I do - I stay at home to nurture and raise my child.

My Amberly Faith who is my entire universe. It is the best job I have ever had.

I know there are a lot of questions regarding women and the Priesthood. And I understand that many of the questions raised are valid questions, that many women are hurting because they do not feel their roles in the church or in the temple are equal to those of men. Many questions in this life may not be answered until we meet with God Himself. I have a feeling that many concerns we deal with in mortality will dissipate in that eternal moment.

And this I do know: I have never felt belittled or less of a person because I do not hold the Priesthood. As a woman in the Mormon church, I have always felt validated and important. I have found myself in various leadership positions in the wards I have served in, and every bishop I have ever encountered has asked for and sustained my opinion and leadership on church matters. When I am not serving in leadership positions in the ward I reside, I find joy in magnifying whatever calling I do have and building God's kingdom as much as I possibly can. We can expend our energy to building Zion in our homes, our wards, our communities. We can focus on service. I am currently an Activity Days leader, and I feel guided each day on how to magnify this calling and please my Heavenly Father as I reach out to these young girls who are about to enter the Young Womens Program.

And finally, I know that when I surround myself with sources of truth, rather than confused opinions or worldly perspectives, I am happier. I am full of light. I am confident, and I feel closer to my Father in Heaven. I have chosen to refrain from reading certain blogs and articles that were filling my soul with doubt and uncertainty. And in so doing I have found light and truth and ultimately, my true self again. I feel closer to my Father in Heaven when I engulf myself in the Book of Mormon and General Conference talks - sources of scripture, of truth. My spirit soars and I feel a confirmation from the Holy Ghost that our modern day prophet and his apostles are men of God, righteous men who lead Christ's church on the earth today.
These are the things I know. And this is why I have joy every day.

 

15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.                                Matthew 7

By turning to the correct sources, I have found that good fruit, and I rejoice in it.
This post is not to stir the pot or to be controversial. It is to state what I know and how I live, because I feel that my Heavenly Father would like me to use my voice from time to time.

And that's all I have to say on the matter for now.