Some Thoughts Regarding Feb. 14th

I have had so many thoughts regarding Valentine's Day and I felt the need to share. My husband was sick yesterday and stayed home from work feeling downright lousy. We had a dinner date scheduled but had to reschedule so Jon could actually have an appetite and enjoy the meal when we go out. I am the type of gal that's all about festivities. I am sure I got this from my mama, as did my older brother who is equally passionate about love and traditions and family. I made sure to secretly buy Jon some of his favorite things and hide them so Amberly and I could surprise him on Valentine's Day.

On Valentine's Day yesterday, I tried my best to focus outward. (As a good friend of mine exclaimed, "Arrows out, Baby!") I knew that I would be receiving nothing from my husband on the actual national holiday of celebrating those you love, so I kept busy. I dressed my girls up all festive and adorable to make my heart happy. I gave them extra cuddles throughout the day. I taught my kickboxing class and told many women they are beautiful and their bodies are good. I encouraged them to focus on helping others feel loved throughout the day. I taught two dance classes with the sweetest little girls ages 3-6 and we had a party that involved way too much sugar. I came home and surprised my husband with the gifts I had bought him the week before the big day of love. 

I was doing great! And then, I looked at my Instagram feed. 

Is there a truer statement than this?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Of course social media would be filled with my friends showcasing how their husbands spoiled them and showered them with an exceeding outpouring of love that day. And in that moment of my own foolishness, I forgot. I forgot so much of the good in my life.

Jon is not one to publicly and grandiosely proclaim his love and devotion for those he loves. 

But I'll tell you what Jon is. He is a family man.

 

He is the man who partners with me every day to give our girls a happy, stable, life.

He is the man that commuted five days a week from South Jordan to Ogden for three years, just to hold out for a job that would allow him to spend ample time with his three girls while providing for us.

He most certainly is a family man.

He is the type of man that will take me dancing just to bring a smile on my face. And he always spoils me on my birthday, which is just a month before Valentine's Day. (I am so high maintenance, right?)

 

He is the guy that loves to plan and take me on adventures whenever we go on vacation.

That one time he made me snorkel during a cold New Zealand winter. :) One of our favorite memories.
Oh, and this just in: we bought two round trip tickets to Maui last week! #abundantjoy

He's the guy that gives me wings. He is willing to take the girls for hours at a time so I can fly and have new opportunities. He sacrifices for me always. I am about to begin a new adventure and help with the choreography of the Jordan River Temple Cultural Celebration. He didn't even think twice about whether or not I should have this opportunity.

He is my partner in life and makes me a better person. He taught me how to communicate (seriously though) in a romantic relationship. He values time with me every day when he comes home from work, and he tells me he loves me every single day. He sincerely with all his heart thinks I am beautiful and tells me often. Sometimes he will just stare at me and tell me I am only growing more beautiful with age. (I'm totally okay with hearing him say that.) 

Also, he makes me laugh. I love his sarcasm and sense of humor and the way his mind thinks.

So why is it that sometimes, we forget what we are most grateful for? Social media can be so fun and relaxing, but can it rob you of happiness if you let it? I know it can. I was reminded of another experience regarding Valentine's Day years ago. We were probably only married for one or two years, and I saw something (again on social media) that my friend's husband had done for her. It was outrageous (and awesome)! He went all out renting a room on top of a building, making a romantic candle-lit dinner, decorating the floor with rose petals and I can't even remember what else. I was sad that year that my expectations for the national day of love were not met and this post made me all the more sad in the moment. Yes, I know it was foolish to feel that way but I am just being real.  A few years later, that couple got a divorce. Life is rarely as perfect as it may seem on social media. It was a powerful lesson for me. 

After being sad for a little while yesterday, I chose to continue focusing outward. I delivered treats and love to my neighbors and the young women I serve in my ward. I babysat my little nephew so my sister could go on a dinner date with her husband. I had a beautiful day, because I celebrated those in my life who I love. And there is beauty in that. 

I choose happiness. I choose to find joy in love and service and gratitude. Allow for so much gratitude! If you are unhappy, I encourage you to focus on all the good in your life. Hold onto it.

Arrows out, baby. :)

Jon is taking me out for sushi tomorrow night, and I love him. Love your life, Friends. All of it. Blossom where you are planted, focus on gratitude, and see if you can live your own fairy tale. 

How Desperately Would You Fight?

Heeding the signs warning me that I might pass out in the shower, I sit down in my bathtub and let the hot water fill to the brim. I rest my back on the cold porcelain and close my eyes. Deep breaths.

On the other side of the shower curtain I hear my children laughing with their adoring daddy.
My beautiful, perfect daughters. One so mild, the other so wild. They are my universe.
Their gleeful giggles are the purest notes of music to my ears and my soul sings: I am alive.

Tears of gratitude fall down my cheeks; I allow them to fall freely.
What if this shower curtain was like that veil that prevented them from seeing my face, feeling my arms around them, squealing in delight from Mama's tickles?
What if I could see them and hear them, but they could no longer hear or see me?

I thank my Father in Heaven for allowing me to stay.
With everything I have in me, I would fight to remain here with the three of them. And to be able to stay and bring more of these precious souls to our family.
To grow, to struggle, to ache, to love, to learn, to cry, to hurt, to stretch, to laugh, to dance, to play, to sing, to live. To be in the present day in and day out. And to choose to have joy every day.

I would fight. My purpose is here and now.

How desperately would you fight?

Carthage Jail Visit 2017

It burns within me, my testimony of the man.
I have walked where he walked
I have seen the window where he fell
I have felt the assurance in my heart that he was a man of truth and goodness.

I feel it now, the truth that brings me to tears
The sorrow that fills my heart thinking of that fateful day in 1844
And I am more grateful than ever that he restored the truthfulness of the gospel.
That because of him, I have the knowledge that I have
The covenants that bind me to my Savior, my Heavenly Father, my husband and family.
He sealed his testimony with the blood of his martyrdom.

Truly, Joseph Smith did more, save Jesus Christ only, for the salvation of our souls
Than did any other man on the earth.

Praise to the man.
Praise to the truth.

I cherish this testimony I have of the prophet Joseph.

To Seth

You were in my dream again, Brother.

You just listened intently as I cried and talked and told you how much I love you and miss you.

You looked the same, just more tired.

And with more wisdom than ever before.

More love, knowledge, and a deeper perspective in your eyes.

It was only a dream
But in that moment,
you were so real
You were right here, standing before me.

And so I live and pray for those moments to see you briefly again.

Love you forever, Brother
You are so missed around here.

Returning to that Burdened Road

I just called and scheduled a new consult with my wonderful infertility doctor, Dr. Russell Foulk.

I called two days ago to see how far the clinic is booked out and as I suspected, I cannot get an appointment until March. Rather unexpectedly, a weight of sadness loomed over my shoulders all day yesterday. I suppose I have taken the first step towards that dark tunnel again, albeit this time there is a glimmer of light within. We know what worked last time, we received answers at our very first appointment, we know we can get pregnant. 

So why should I feel such a heavy weight of sorrow this time around? Especially when my arms are not empty and waiting this time. Just look at this sweet little miracle.

Infertility is a tricky thing, an emotional ride to say the least. I think stepping back into the lengthy process with its upcoming invasive tests and procedures returned my psyche and my emotions to a place that I was happy to forget. Furthermore, the sadness enters when I realize Jon cannot be with me to the majority of my appointments this time around due to his long commute for work and the nature of being a lawyer. We're real big kids now. He can't just leave the judges for a midday doctor's appointment with his wife. A little voice tells me that if I want to fight for baby number 2, I'll have to go most of it alone. Just me and Dr. Foulk and his staff to create another miracle. Oh and God, of course.

I feel another little one beyond the veil, anxious to join our family. Perhaps she is spending extra time with her Uncle Seth. Yes, I said she.

I have been reading this book, The Gift of Giving Life, lately and it awakens my soul and brings me great comfort in trusting in my Heavenly Father's timing. I LOVE this book. It touches on all aspects of pregnancy and birth, including sections written for all our sisters who for one reason or another, are told to wait.

Read this portion of the chapter entitled "And God Remembered Rachel" from Genesis 30:22 (yes I do take that biblical verse close to heart:)

The prominent women of the book of Genesis are as follows:

Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel. Of these prominent women in the book of Genesis, only Eve does not suffer from infertility. Genesis is chock full of God's chosen women suffering from want of children. In each case, she is a woman whom God directed a prophet to find and marry. She is a woman who was promised that her seed would bear rulers and kings. She is a woman who was loved by God.

God cherishes each of his daughters, including those who struggle to get pregnant or cannot bear their own children during mortality. This is what I must remind myself of as I step back on this roller coaster of a ride. This burdened road is not fun; but whenever the sorrow attempts to creep in, I'll look at my beloved daughter and say a prayer of gratitude rather than allow that heavy weight to linger. I will reflect on what a blessing it is that Jon has a job with sufficient health insurance benefits to allow us to move forward with treatments. I will contemplate the current technology we have to help couples who cannot get pregnant on their own. I will fight again and I will move forward. 

And I will play and giggle with my Amberly Faith, until God's perfect timing unfolds and proves His miracle. 

10 Years

Life has slowed down immensely as I have become a mother -
In a really really good way.

I have so much more time to just think
and self reflect
and thank my Father in Heaven each day for my miracles.
For my daughter
And my husband who is still my best friend.

When Baby Girl and I walk with Jonathan to school,
I get to take the long route home
And just enjoy this gorgeous immerging spring. Spring and fall taste and feel so very different from each other, don't they. It is almost tangible.

The smell of the grass,
and that familiar feeling of change and rebirth in the air.

And today as I walked around the park I reflected on these past ten years.
Ten years that Provo has been my home, and suddenly that is all about to change. I have learned to truly appreciate this little town.

It is time to gather the moving boxes and begin that lengthy process that I love and dread at the same time. I love throwing things away and starting afresh in a new place. But I hate feeling overwhelmed with all the work that awaits me. Maybe our last move to Ohio and back again just left a bad taste in my mouth.

I know my real home is wherever Jonathan and Amberly are. So begins a new fork along the road of our lives as a family of three.

Let the new adventures begin.

Perspective

Garret Tucker. Five years old and one of the sweetest little boys I know, so without guile. He usually asks Greg and Maria (mom and dad) if I can take him home after clogging on Thursday nights, because he loves the fact that he catches a ride home with his dance teacher. Well they live about three minutes away from the studio and he is one of my most favorite little people. It is my pleasure.

I take him out to my car after I lock up the doors to the studio, and Little G is excited about how bright the moon is shining. Suddenly he explains to me, with his endearing difficulty in pronouncing his R's:

"One time I saw a really big star in the sky, and I thought it was Jesus."

My heart. Are little children inspired from time to time to say the exact thing that will warm our sorrowful souls? That was all he needed to say to me. Life is hard, at times traumatic. Like this week. And heart-wrenching things happen to good people. And sometimes, the only cure for awhile is time. Letting the time pass and the stages of grief play their difficult yet necessary roles. And still, the lasting and ever-constant cure is exactly who Garret Tucker was thinking of.

Always.

In a world saturated with dark and evil influence, we yet have the ultimate reason to rejoice. Some day that star in the sky will be our Savior returning to the earth. Oh how I anticipate that day.

Angel on Earth

A fortunate accident
that I arrived at the lobby then
And everyone assumed I was there
to assist her
So I pushed her wheelchair along until
she stopped me outside of the dressing room.

Despite her mumbling words, "Muh muh...bah bah..."

                  She knows the routine

And is capable of telling me what to do without actually speaking.
Shoes off. Slippers on. Temple case in the ordinance workers' room.

As I continue to push her into the locker room and wait for her outside the booth,

I feel honored

Honored to assist a woman so noble and dedicated 
Privileged to aid a daughter of God so faithful as she is
Every Wednesday she has come, infinite and pure, so that each of us may learn from her
                              And today my turn has come

Into the elevator, and she pushes the button
As we stroll along a sacred hallway to room six,
something to become a memory happens.

Her finger is reverently pointing to  every picture of Christ we pass

My heart.

"You know him, don't you"
and though I say it the words don't seem to be my own
"He knows you too"

               I am overwhelmed
                          And my eyes burn with tears in that quiet moment

She may not speak, yet I know she understands
Perhaps more than most of us
             
                       And I know she knows our Savior.

Ode to Sister Johnson.

Awake

3:30 in the morning is a strange time to be awake. I suppose that is why my body is not too happy about it. But I felt ancy and my being uncomfortable was keeping my sweet husband awake.

Husband. I have one of those now. I have an exceptional one, in fact. He is so good to me. I often feel like I could be better for him. We were sealed by President Pinegar in the beautiful Manti temple on Tuesday, June 1, 2010. Our sealing ceremony was heavenly. How else can I describe such a moment of eternity? One of those sacred moments where heaven and earth meet together, and we in the midst of them. Manti was a little less convenient in distance, but so worth it for the experience. Manti is now a part of our fairy tale. And the covenants we made with each other there are at the heart of it.

Which is why we went back on June 26th for the pageant. Our first tradition in our little Ditto family. :-) And finally we got to spend some time with Aunty Yasmin without feeling rushed. What an inspired woman she is. At the end of the pageant, I couldn't help but think about Yasmin losing her husband just two years ago. No trial could be greater than losing a spouse, I think. Thank heaven for the power of the Priesthood that seals families together in this life and the next.

tRanSitioN pHasEs

Would you agree that they are just awkward times of life? I suppose they are necessary in order to turn the page of your life story and begin a new chapter. Maybe we have to walk through unfamiliar pathways to appreciate what is waiting around the corner. But then again, President Monson's talk comes to mind: to live a full life one must find joy in the journey.

And today I can choose whether or not to find joy. Shall I focus on the internal ache of the things I am missing in my life? Of days of yesterday that I loved so deeply? Or shall I channel my energy on this present chapter, emphasizing all that is currently good. I choose the second option.

There is joy in living with my younger sister. Who ever thought we would share an apartment together?
I find joy in spending time with Bela, the two-year old I take care of four days a week.
And of course, my current roommate situation. Pure bliss, comfort, and fun. I love those girls.

These are some of the things I can focus on during this little transition phase of mine. And I hope every day, at least in some small way, I can continue to feel liberated. Because that is how I fly. Bring it on awkward transition phase, bring it on.