Reaching Out

What I Would Say to the Woman Who Deals With Infertility

This topic takes courage to write about and especially to share with so many. But I cannot deny the promptings that urge me to do so.

I have had so many thoughts run through this head of mine when it comes to traveling the road of infertility. If I were to write a book, or give some kind of devotional to women who struggle to have a child, these are the main points I would discuss with my sisters who have been given this trial.

1) Find a support group. Even if that "group" consists of you and one other woman who is struggling to get pregnant, find her. Your husband is probably wonderful and loving and kind. He is probably your best friend and your favorite person in the entire world. But having a girlfriend who can truly empathize with you and validate every emotion you feel along the way will help you cope when the storms hit hard. A close friend of mine who has trail-blazed this road ahead of me described it perfectly when she explained, "My husband finally understood my emotions a little more when I asked him what it would be like if when he was 19 years old, all of his friends left on their missions and even though he was just as worthy and as anxious to go as everyone else, for some very strange and unknown reason he was told to wait." And we are still waiting.

2) Understand that you are likely to feel a wide range of emotions along this journey. You may be surprised at yourself when the bitterness, or anger, or feelings of envy arise. Try not to feel guilty. You are along the pathway of grieving and you can pass through this stage because those feelings do not define you. It's okay if you are not tough enough to attend baby showers. Give yourself a break. And then, allow yourself to love rather than to envy. Reach outside of yourself. Pray to your Heavenly Father and your Savior to take the negative feelings away and see what God will make of you.

3) Recognize your purpose here and now. You are in a unique position to reach out, to love, to serve, and to be motherly to every child you encounter. Take advantage of that opportunity.

4) Recognize your blessings. You have an opportunity to spend more time with your husband and to continue courting in your marriage.You have time to save up financially for your future (or to save everything towards pricey fertility treatments, I know how that goes). And what's more, each day you wait to become a mother is an added measure of the gratitude you will feel when that miracle finally comes. You will cherish motherhood more because you traveled this road without it for so long. You will be a phenomenal mother.

5) Tell God how you feel. Ask for Him to remain by your side every step of the way. I promise you He will be. You are just as worthy as anyone to be a mother. You are loved. This will all make sense some day. But cry out to Him so that you can remain close to the heavens. After all, that's exactly where your spirit children are waiting for you. Recognize that reality and cling to it. You are a mother.

6) Take care not to take offense too easily. Give others the benefit of the doubt if they say something that might hurt your feelings regarding having children. They are not meaning to hurt you, so relax and try not to be so sensitive. Everything is not always all about you. Everyone is dealing with their own trials. We really are all in this together. So really, reach outside of yourself.

7) Continue to develop your talents. Learn a new skill, devote your time to uplifting activities that feed your soul and make your life rich. My close friend who I mentioned earlier is a fabulous photographer and takes hundreds of mother/baby pictures for sisters in her ward and community. She developed this talent after finding out she had infertility and recently told me the following:
It is particularly helpful to have a hobby that allows you to create something when you feel that ache to "create" a human life. Having photography as a hobby has helped immensely in both of these areas, but it has also allowed me to find and capture the beauty that is all around us in our every day life if we will only look for it. There is beauty in nature. There is beauty in every human being. There is beauty in love. There is beauty in the relationships between family members. Capturing this beauty and having the opportunity to create something has allowed me to feel God's love for me and it has allowed me to see that life will always be beautiful--even if it's not the one you had planned.
Fill your time with moments that enrich your spirit. It is never too late to learn a new skill.

8) Never pass up an opportunity to hold a baby. It will help heal the aching in your arms.

9) Many of your family members may want to be a part of this journey with you. They will want to understand, to pray and to fast with you. I know infertility tends to be a taboo topic and I know everyone's personality is different, but I have found that it is so therapeutic to discuss the issue with the right people-those who sincerely care- and in the right setting. It heals the hurt and helps me straighten out my emotions. It has helped me to accept and embrace and eventually thrive with the situation. So when you feel ready to talk, I highly recommend it.

10) Dive into your scripture study. God will speak to you if you listen. So don't just read. Ponder, write, and study the word of God so that you can feel alive in His spirit. Writing my thoughts in my scripture journal as I study makes my scripture study most effective.

I know you are hurting, but I want so badly for you to feel the peace that my Heavenly Father has given me. I feel Him so close to me, reassuring me that even though it is difficult to understand, this road is His plan for me. Reach outward and upward. We are sisters.

You will find that as soon as you meet someone who has traveled this road, you will feel an instant connection with her and a powerful bond of empathy. She will transform from an acquaintance to a sister.

And if any of these pieces of advice have strengthened you along your journey, please feel free to share them at will. This is one way I can reach out. Yes, it takes courage to put myself  and my heart and my feelings out there, but I cannot deny the promptings I receive to do so. And if this post only helps one of my many sisters out there who travel the road of infertility, then it was all worth it.

Much Love,
- Rachel Ilene