Returning to that Burdened Road

I just called and scheduled a new consult with my wonderful infertility doctor, Dr. Russell Foulk.

I called two days ago to see how far the clinic is booked out and as I suspected, I cannot get an appointment until March. Rather unexpectedly, a weight of sadness loomed over my shoulders all day yesterday. I suppose I have taken the first step towards that dark tunnel again, albeit this time there is a glimmer of light within. We know what worked last time, we received answers at our very first appointment, we know we can get pregnant. 

So why should I feel such a heavy weight of sorrow this time around? Especially when my arms are not empty and waiting this time. Just look at this sweet little miracle.

Infertility is a tricky thing, an emotional ride to say the least. I think stepping back into the lengthy process with its upcoming invasive tests and procedures returned my psyche and my emotions to a place that I was happy to forget. Furthermore, the sadness enters when I realize Jon cannot be with me to the majority of my appointments this time around due to his long commute for work and the nature of being a lawyer. We're real big kids now. He can't just leave the judges for a midday doctor's appointment with his wife. A little voice tells me that if I want to fight for baby number 2, I'll have to go most of it alone. Just me and Dr. Foulk and his staff to create another miracle. Oh and God, of course.

I feel another little one beyond the veil, anxious to join our family. Perhaps she is spending extra time with her Uncle Seth. Yes, I said she.

I have been reading this book, The Gift of Giving Life, lately and it awakens my soul and brings me great comfort in trusting in my Heavenly Father's timing. I LOVE this book. It touches on all aspects of pregnancy and birth, including sections written for all our sisters who for one reason or another, are told to wait.

Read this portion of the chapter entitled "And God Remembered Rachel" from Genesis 30:22 (yes I do take that biblical verse close to heart:)

The prominent women of the book of Genesis are as follows:

Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel. Of these prominent women in the book of Genesis, only Eve does not suffer from infertility. Genesis is chock full of God's chosen women suffering from want of children. In each case, she is a woman whom God directed a prophet to find and marry. She is a woman who was promised that her seed would bear rulers and kings. She is a woman who was loved by God.

God cherishes each of his daughters, including those who struggle to get pregnant or cannot bear their own children during mortality. This is what I must remind myself of as I step back on this roller coaster of a ride. This burdened road is not fun; but whenever the sorrow attempts to creep in, I'll look at my beloved daughter and say a prayer of gratitude rather than allow that heavy weight to linger. I will reflect on what a blessing it is that Jon has a job with sufficient health insurance benefits to allow us to move forward with treatments. I will contemplate the current technology we have to help couples who cannot get pregnant on their own. I will fight again and I will move forward. 

And I will play and giggle with my Amberly Faith, until God's perfect timing unfolds and proves His miracle.